The Grieving Process
by vickithevillian
Summary: Derek's dead and Spencer's grieving not much to it.
1. The Funeral

_**AN- I know this is short but I am going to do the whole mourning process, they might be shorter they might be longer it depends lol yeah. **_

Spencer watched as the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. He couldn't cry, the energy needed to cry just wasn't there. The tears he could feel brimming his eyes just wouldn't fall and he knew it was because he had given up. The moment he saw Derek's lifeless body hit the ground he had given up. Spencer was broken; they had been together, actually in a proper relationship, for 5 years and he had never been happier. Everyone around them knew that they were together; everyone around them knew that they were happy. You could practically feel the love radiating off the couple every time you saw them. A look, a touch, something. Now it was gone.

No one was surprised that Spencer reacted in the way he had. No one was surprised that he had barely uttered 12 words in the time it took to plan the funeral.

Spencer and Derek had a life planned out, they were going to retire together and start a family. Maybe have small 9-5 jobs so they could raise children and have a semi-normal life.

But that was all ripped away the minute she pulled the trigger, the unsub was psychotic, normally not violent. That didn't stop Spencer from hating her with every ounce of his being.

His entire life was taken from him. Spencer's soul was stolen, taken away like he could live without it. He knew he should try and console his teammates, his partner's family. But he couldn't, not today.

He walked up to Penelope who had obviously been crying the entire ceremony and took the balloon she handed him. This was an exercise, to let go of the one you lost. Spencer held the balloon close to him and watched as the others let the balloons go. He knew what he was supposed to do, just let it go. Spencer knew that it was just a symbol but his hands refuse to let go of the thin string he held firmly between his fingers.

He knew the others around him where watching him he knew that they just wanted him to let the stupid balloon go so they could go home but it literally felt impossible. He looked around his eyes pleading with the mourners to understand why he just couldn't do this. He couldn't just let go of the memory. Spencer couldn't move on, it was impossible.

That one true love people speak of? Spencer found it in Derek, and he just couldn't let that go. Quick and wordlessly Spencer stalks off and gets in his car, driving as fast as the law allows he hears the balloon bobbing next to him.

Spencer hasn't the faintest idea where he is but he pulls into an alley way, he know what he did was immature and ridiculous but he didn't care. He stroked the helium-filled balloon gently, as if he could bring back the man he loved through sheer willpower.

After a long moment he remembers that smile, the one saved just for him. He remembers the beautiful laugh that was so hard to elicit. He remembers the late nights spent in Derek's arms. Spencer's feels the tears. The tears that he thought lost the will to fall. They streaked his cheeks but he wasn't crying, there was no increased breathing, no hunching over. Just tears slipping silently down his face, as he sat in a car in some abandoned alley and thought about the love that was gone from him, about the life he now would never get to have.


	2. Denial

_**If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit.**_

_**~Kevin Nealon**_

Spencer awoke when his alarm rang, the sounds of numerous bells. He reached over and shut it off enjoying the silence for a moment. He had a smile and let his arm slip onto the other side of the bed. For one blissful moment he wondered why it was cold. Maybe Derek went for a run?

But reality is a bitch and came back to him. He remembered yesterday, he remembers lowering a coffin into the ground. He turned away from the side of the bed that should have a warm body.

Spencer snapped his eyes shut. He felt numb. He felt like the dead wood that made up his headboard. He was feeling no emotion. Not anything. It was wrong. The whole situation was wrong, Derek shouldn't be dead, he should be lying in bed next to him.

There was no way that he could actually be dead. Derek had to be alive, maybe like what they did with Emily. Spencer constructed the whole scenario in his head because Derek couldn't be dead.

Spencer pulled himself out of bed and towards the kitchen. He pulled out two mugs before he even realized it a filled them with coffee. Looking at the second one he laughed at himself. Not because it was funny but because he needed to hear something.

He picked up the extra mug and placed it on the breakfast nook. There, just in case Derek came strolling in he would have something nice to drink.

After finishing his own mug Spencer went back to their bedroom and got his clothes ready for the day. Sure he didn't have plans but hey it was always good to look nice.

He took a long shower, half expecting his love to bang on the door and tell him to stop using all the hot water. He got out and dried himself slowly.

Back in their bedroom Spencer pulled on his clothes. He smiled as he pulled on the shirt he knew Derek like best.

_Derek's gone_. It was like a whisper in his own thoughts. It sounded so final, so sure. Spencer sat on the edge of the bed. Maybe he would just sit here and wait a moment. He stood only to fix the bed covers.

After an hour of sitting on the bed and staring at the wall waiting for Derek he got bored and walked back to the kitchen. Sitting on the breakfast nook was a cold, untouched cup of coffee. That's when it hit him, he's gone.

With a blank look he took the cup and washed it slowly. There was nothing worse than watching coffee go wasted down the drain.

Spencer looked around, the world around him was different, or at least it seemed different. It seemed as though everything had a haze over it, as if someone applied the blur effect and there was no way to get around it.

He takes in the neglected housekeeping. By no means it their apartment filthy, it's just not as clean as it could be. Spencer takes it upon himself and walks towards the kitchen sink. He pulls out the proper cleaning supplies rather slowly, taking the time to read and re-read the entire label of each one.

He cleans and cleans. The sinks are shining and the walls have never looked whiter. The floorboards are polished and there isn't a speck of dust anywhere to be seen. After four and a half hours the place looks great to Spencer and he decides on another shower.

He steps in the water and feels the water beating down on him. Yet he doesn't feel the temperature, the usual warm comfort of a shower is now just beating on his back. Spencer washing the sweat and cleaning supplies off of himself in a hurry before rushing out. Pulling a towel around himself he walks towards their bed and snuggles up on his side.

He still sleeps as though someone will be crawling into the space left over, the place fit Derek perfectly. The place where the love of his life is supposed to be sleeping.

Spencer gets up and grabs boxers, they aren't his and he realizes that the moment they are around his hips, but they give him a closeness he needs to have.

Spencer flops back into bed; the whole world is still hazy. Everything he knows he knows is forgotten in the strange cloud that is grief. He pulls the blankets up to his chin; he knows that if he wanted to cocoon them around himself he could. Yet, he can't bring himself to claim the whole bed; this was their bed, it wasn't right for him to sleep in it alone.

It was something that was important to both of them, something both of them spent time in.

Spencer curled up with his pillow, he knew he should be feeling more but he didn't, he didn't feel anything and for that moment, it was glorious oblivion.


	3. Emotional Release

_**You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.**_

― _**J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**_

Spencer couldn't comprehend why he had the balloon tied to his bed post. He knew that there was a reason, an important reason, but it was as if his mind was blocking it out. As if the memory had been suddenly erased. It didn't matter, Spencer hadn't felt anything sense he got home from the funeral. It felt nice not to feel, to not have to deal with the pain he knew he should feel.

Spencer woke up, three days sense the funeral, the green balloon still tied to the bedpost. It was bobbing a bit lower than it had been in when he went to sleep. He turned over, he knew if he looked at it for to long the numbness that was protecting him would dissipate. Once he turned over Spencer was greeted with another bitter sight. The other side of the bed was empty. He sat up; wearing some mismatched pajamas, and ran his fingers over the pillow. He stretched his legs through so they where in the cold blanket. The blanket that should have been warmed by a body.

Spencer snapped his eyes shut, there was a dull pain in his chest, the armor of numbness was being cracked and he couldn't stand it. He wanted more than anything to be numb again but no matter how hard he tried the tears still fell.

Suddenly he was bawling. His entire body was wracked with louds sobs. Derek wasn't in bed; the bed was cold because Derek's body was rotting in the ground some 30 miles away. The bed would never be warm again. It would never again see the skin of Derek Morgan. It would never again smell of some strong expensive cologne. It would never again see the act of love by two people who were meant for each other.

The fact that the bed would never again support two bodies broke Spencer. He pulled Derek's pillow to his chest and cried into it, he curled into a ball holding onto the pillow for dear life. He couldn't breathe. He could feel his heart breaking in his chest. He sobbed for hours, and finally his body gave out. The physical act of crying wore him down and he slipped into sleep. His tear stained cheeks red with angst, his long limbs all clutching to a lifeless pillow.

And Spencer slept for hours, and he dreamt of a beautiful wedding, and a big house. He dreamt of a baby girl and pets. He dreamt of grandchildren and growing old. He dreamt of past memories. The smile on his face didn't match the air left in the room. But sleep is the glorious escape. Spencer knew deep down it was all a dream, but that didn't stop him from enjoying it; maybe if he tried really hard he could go on like this forever. He could dream and never have to hurt.

But the world isn't that nice and eventually he woke to a dark, cold room and an empty bed. He was still latched onto a useless pillow. He was still hurt and broken. Derek Morgan was still dead, and the dreams he spent hours constructing couldn't happen.

He would never have the happiness he once knew. He would grow old alone. He would sleep alone. He would breath, eat, and live alone. And there was a lump in his throat as he stood to shower.

Spencer turned the water on and let it wash over his aching back. It was cold and uninviting but he didn't have the willpower to change it, even if he did he wouldn't have been able to feel it. As of late everything was cold. The hottest coffee, the warmest blanket, all of it mirrored the side of the bed he woke up to every morning.

As he leaned against the wall in the shower and cried, he knew he was crying. He could taste the bitterness of tears in his mouth. He should be out of tears by now, but he kept thinking of the smallest things that he would never have again, he lost part of himself, how could he continue living? Was it possible to go on without this sadness?

Spencer dressed and walked into his living room, it was like suddenly everything lost its color. The world was a black, dull place. Everything was cold and dark.

He walked to the large window that lined the wall of living room, he looked out. Everyone was going on with their lives. They walked their dogs and drove their cars. He wondered if any of them could even imagine the emptiness they couldn't see. When you're happy you don't see this emptiness, but when your better half is ripped away and buried in the ground never to be seen again, you see this emptiness.

The whole world was different, the air seemed thinner, and the sky was grey-er, the people moved slower. And that thought brought him to tears again. Tears that needed to fall; tears that he hoped desperately would cleanse him. But as he dropped to his knees clutching his chest in true pain, in pain that he could actually feel, he knew that he would never be cleansed. The pain lodged in his heart would never go away.

He cried himself to sleep right there on the floor. He knew that he should get up and go to bed, the couch at least. But his lanky form curled in a ball trying to keep itself together, and he stayed on the hard ground, attempting not to lose anymore of himself than he already had.


	4. Obsession

**Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.**

― **Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore**

Spencer knew that going out wasn't going to be the easiest thing, he knew that it was going to be hell to leave the walls that he had become so well acquainted with, but he also knew that he needed to go back to work.

A simple trip to the store, that should be good practice. Slowly and meticulously he wrote out a grocery list, it was still hard not to cry and his brain entwined everything to a memory. A memory of something that he would never have again. Spencer forced himself to think of other things as he walked to his car. He hopped in and tried smiling, at least for a moment. But he couldn't force his facial muscles to comply with such an insane task. How can he be expected to be smile when his insides felt the way that they did?

When he arrived in the store parking lot Spencer had surprised himself. He hadn't really been thinking about driving, he was just going through the motions. Every movement that he made, everything he saw seemed to be in slow motion.

Spencer grabbed a shopping cart and began slowly looking through the aisles; Derek's face still lingering at the back of his mind. He knew if he just focused on the list then maybe, hopefully, he would be able to forget Derek.

_**Cereal**_

Spencer pushed his cart through the cereal aisle. There where boxes upon boxes, so many choices it should be overwhelming, but all Spencer could think about was how he only needed to buy one box now. When his love was still breathing they would always buy two. Spencer thought of cereal as a delicious treat to be eaten as desert, and a sweet snack when bored. Derek thought of cereal as a legitimate healthy breakfast food, if you bought the right kind. They argued once for nearly an hour right there in the aisle he was standing in. In the end Spencer and Derek decided to buy two, one box of Cheerios, and one box of Count Chocula.

The funny thing was Spencer often caught Derek pouring himself a bowl of the too-sweet snack. And Derek caught Spencer having a nice bowl of Cheerios before they left for work. Yet, every time they went to the store they bought two boxes of cereal, each man claiming that they would only eat their own. That was the beauty of their relationship, they were so different and yet they were so good for each other.

Spencer pushed that memory away and quickly grabbed some Cheerios. He knew it was weird and that he should probably be grabbing what he always did, but part of him refused to let go of the fact that Cheerios where Derek's choice, and now they would have to be his choice. It gave him a sense of closeness.

_**Milk**_

Spencer moved to the back part of the store, the part where you found the deli meats and yogurt and milk. He reached for the whole milk with the red cap and tried pushing away another memory that forced its way to the screen in front of his eyes.

"_Get the whole trust me it's better" Said a smiling Derek. _

"_I am going to get the whole, I am just saying you're so obsessed with health, don't you think it's to fattening" Joked an equally happy Spencer. _

That was the first time they went shopping together, Derek got tired of all the erratic choices Spencer usually brought home and decided to go with him to "teach" him how to shop properly. It ended up being a four hour trip with hardly any accomplishment. Somehow Spencer was moved by this memory.

He looked at the milk and bit his lip, swallowing the tears that he could taste in the lump in his throat. He still felt broken, and every item he added to his cart reminded him how alone he was. He was shopping for one again.

_**Cheese**_

Spencer moved his cart only slightly down the aisle. The cheese was in a big wall refrigerator. He reached for the big block. It was pure cheddar and he knew it was the best.

Again he thought of Derek because he was the one who taught Spencer that little sliced cheese was not that good. His whole life Spencer at little perfect slices of squared yellow on his sandwiches and he was perfectly okay with that. One day while out shopping Derek made a bet, if Spencer liked the real cheese less than the fake processed cheese than he could pick what they watched every night for the next month.

Spencer knew himself too well to think he would ever like something that wasn't All American Kraft, so he agreed. They bought the block and took it home.

Spencer couldn't contain himself, the sandwich was a thousand times better with the real cheese, he lost the bet but he didn't care. Suddenly he was in a whole new world of cheese. Derek laughed at him for hours, even days, after that discovery. But it was okay because it was a laugh of pure endearment.

Spencer came back to reality, the tears where brimming in his eyes again, but he refused to break down at the local grocery store he stood up tall and cleared his throat.

_**Sandwich Meat**_

Spencer was near the deli; he stopped and asked the teen behind the counter.

"Half pound of turkey please."

"Coming right up sir." The boy responded, and then he went to the back.

Spencer felt the burning memory crawling back to the front of his mind; he tried with all his might to push it away, to think about the meat he would soon possess. Sadly, that wasn't working. He let the memory come over him. The first time he bought meat at the deli was with Derek. He hadn't known how much to buy so he asked for two and a half pounds, imagining a much smaller amount than he got. They had sandwiches at least once a day, every day, for nearly a month after that purchase. They were happy though, eating their annoyingly familiar sandwiches, because they were eating them together and that was all that really mattered.

"Here you are sir." The boy behind the counter tried for the second time. He was watching Spencer; he knew something was wrong, he knew that there should be another man standing not too far behind him, trying not to laugh. There wasn't and it seemed off to the young butcher.

_**Eggs**_

Spencer walked to the little wall made up of a refrigerator filled with eggs, he pulled out half a dozen and checked them over making sure none where broken.

He felt the familiar tug of memory and refused to give in, he started pushing his cart moving away, trying to leave the memory behind, but part of him want to re-live it just once more. So he thought back to the time Derek broke a dozen eggs right there in the store, maybe 4 feet from where he was standing.

Derek was bored; they had already been in the store for quite a while so he did something that he knew was incredibly stupid. He was trying to balance eggs on the edge of the cart. Spencer told him not to, he told him that he was going to make a mess, but Derek insisted that this was a trick he used to do all the time. When he finally got the eggs balanced he pushed the cart forward a few feet, and the eggs stayed.

Impressed, Spencer clapped for him and the minute an over dramatic Derek went to take the gloating bow, he bumped the cart ever so lightly and the eggs went flying.

After they got the mess cleaned up they couldn't help but laugh. The best part about that? In the end they forgot the eggs and had tuna without eggs for dinner that night.

Spencer snapped his eyes shut and forced himself to push the cart away.

_**Bread**_

Spencer made his way to the bread aisle in record time, his chest was aching and he just wanted to get home and put his shopping away so he could go to sleep. He needed the peace that came with the sleep.

He pulled the first loaf he saw off the shelf and tossed it in the cart. He would not remember, he refused to allow himself the indulgence.  
His eidetic memory was not as compliant as it played the memory anyway.

Spencer had a habit of throwing things into the cart, and when Derek saw him do this to bread, he freaked out. Derek picked up the bread and placed it gently on the shelf. He chose a totally different brand, and gently caressed it, treating it like a baby. Spencer laughed and didn't think about it too much, but deep down he knew that was the day he decided they could raise a child together. Yeah it was a stupid resolution that came out of his partners' treatment of bread. But it still meant something to him.

Spencer looked at the contents of his cart, he knew that water was on his list, but really, with Derek gone, who would drink it?

He walked to the cashier; he looked for the one nearest the door and waited. It didn't take long; it was the express line after all. Spencer placed his bags in the shopping cart and pushed it to the car.

He loaded the bags and pushed the cart to the little row of them already outside. While they were together, Derek and Spencer discovered that was a pet peeve they shared. When people just left shopping carts in the middle of the street. That mutual dislike was something he thought of as he climbed into the car.

All these memories made his eyes cloudy with tears, Spencer never thought of these memories before. Suddenly they had new meaning, all the time wasted arguing over cheese meant so much more.

Spencer knew why.

That shopping trip, their first one together, was when Spencer realized he could do that his whole life. He could argue about cereal and break eggs with Derek his whole life and be happy.

And now that was gone, Spencer would shop alone now, he would shop alone and for one. There wouldn't be any more jokes. There wouldn't be any more silly arguments.

With that thought Spencer broke down, he sat there and cried into his steering wheel. How long he cried he'll never know. But he knows it didn't ease the pain. It didn't help the fact that he would go home and put everything away himself. It didn't help the fact that he would eat every single thing he bought alone.

After what seemed like a lot longer drive than usual Spencer unpacked his groceries and put them all away. He didn't know how he was supposed to go back to work. Especially when every thought he had brought back some beautiful memory of Derek.

He lay in bed and stared at the green balloon still bobbing high from his bedpost.

He was alone now, he was alone and yet he couldn't get his mind off the man he loved, the man he loves.

Spencer fell asleep, still crying silent tears.


	5. Just Normal

"_**When one person is missing the whole world seems empty." **_

― _**Pat Schweibert**_

Spencer knew that he would eventually need to go back to work, he didn't really want to. He wanted to stay in his bed, it seemed easier that way. He knew that people where worried, he knew that people missed him, but the emotional strain was taking a toll on his physical wellbeing. He ate maybe three meals in the last six days and he sleep at least fifteen hours a day. Spencer knew the sudden change couldn't be healthy for his body but he really didn't care.

Hotch stopped by, after calling numerous times and being greeted by a voicemail. He knocked softly, almost positive that his subordinate was sleeping not too far beyond the door.

It took a moment but Spencer was able to compose himself enough to answer the door. He knew it had to be one of his teammates. He also knew that he couldn't just pretend to not be home. It was obvious he was in no state to be going out. He took his time opening the door hoping whoever was on the other side would take the hint and just go away.

"Hotch, hi." Spencer said leaning against the door frame. He could have guessed that it would have been his boss. The father of the team, the person he knew he had to be worrying the most.

"Spencer, how have you been?" Aaron knew, he could tell that the younger male was sickly and unhappy, but if he could at least pretend that he didn't know that might comfort Spencer. At least a little bit.

"Fine, not the greatest, but fine." Spencer already felt tired after the long moments of standing near the door. He waved a hand to gesture his boss in and sat on the couch.

"Is there something that you need Hotch?" He didn't want him here he just wanted to sleep, he was exhausted.

"I was wondering when you plan on coming back. You can take as much time as you need, but we miss you. The team needs you Spencer." Aaron was trying to sound reassuring as he walked towards the couch sitting on the edge of it he gave a soft smile.

"Well?" He looked as Spencer expectantly, as if sheer will power would remove his pain.

"I need a few more days, three tops." Spencer barely whispered it, mostly because he knew that is was a lie. He needed a lot more than three days, three years maybe. But he needed to stop psychotic people from causing this pain for anybody else.

"Really?" Aaron thought that he would need at least a week more, that meant that they could take the next three days off and regroup when he got back.

"Yes, three days and I'll go back." Spencer stretched, hoping to be at least okay in three days. "If you need any more time than let me know." Aaron finally got the hint and showed himself out.

The minute the door was closed, Spencer found himself curling up on the couch. It wasn't the most comfortable but he just knew that he would pass out from sheer exhaustion if he tried walking to the bedroom. Hours later he woke up sore and still in the same spot. He felt old, a man in his nineties would not have wished to trade bodies with him in that moment. Spencer saw Derek's shadow in the bedroom.

Spencer jumped up so suddenly he made himself light headed, but he knew that in just a few moments he could collapse in his lover's arms.

He got the room ready to scream in joy, in utter happiness. He was greeted with a cold, empty place. It actually saddened Spencer. He looked around for something that could have caused such a strange looking shadow. There was nothing, he was going mad.

Spencer perched himself on the edge of his bed, it was as if everything was sharped. He felt pain all over his body, it wasn't numbness, it wasn't a stabbing pain, it was something that he couldn't describe. He was at a loss for a word to describe the clarity of the pain he felt.

Spencer relaxed, he felt the stiffness, he felt the need to get fresh air but above all he felt the constant exhaustion making his eyelids droop. He went to sleep again. It was easy; it was the only thing he felt he could actually do. It was as if Derek's absence took all his strength. The sadness he felt, it was paralyzing.

Spencer awoke after a troubled sleep. He got up and tried walking around his room. His legs didn't comply, they didn't move, they didn't shake. Spencer knew that if he tried to walk they would give out. His last form of support was giving up on him and he knew it. The physical vessel that held his broken heart and confused mind just couldn't take it anymore.

He knew it was stupid, he knew what this could mean. Dilaudid was a drug, it was addictive, it was something that he hadn't even thought about in years. He knew that Derek wouldn't want this. He knew that it would hurt Derek deeply. He knew that the team would feel betrayed and heart-broken.

He also knew the happiness that would come from it. He knew the effects that it had on his body would feel so good. He knew that maybe for the first time in a long time he would feel normal again.

Just Normal.

That's all he wanted. Spencer wanted that feeling of the perfectly relaxed limbs, the loss of memory. He knew it wouldn't last. He knew he would want to do it again. But as he searches for something to make a tourniquet, none of it really mattered. The little bottle sat on the bathroom counter, the clean needle right next to it.

Spencer sat on his bed and ripped a sock, he hadn't bought enough to do it again. Just one time. It was stupid and self-destructive, but as he felt the slight numbness directly under the tourniquet on his arm he forgot that.

He sat on the toilet, all the times he wanted this and here it was. He was ready all he had to do was get the liquid in the vial attached to the needle and plunge it deep into his arm. The soft cloud of disorientation would take him away from here. It would take him to a place where he wasn't alone. It would take him to a place where he was happy. There was part of him that told him this was stupid. Part of him that knew this isn't how you're supposed to cope. Spencer couldn't think of anything else at the moment.

He took the needle and filled the tube that was connected. Spencer took a deep breath as he watched the liquid being sucked into the air vial. It was sharpened, as though his eyes had clearer vision than usual. When the small bottle was empty and the long vial was full Spencer held it to the spot he knew it should go. He was about to press it into his skin, but far off in his mind's eye he saw Derek. Not the Derek he knows and loves but the hurt Derek. The betrayed Derek. The what-the-fuck-are-you-doing Derek. Spencer dropped the needle; he heard it clank on it's way to the ground. He couldn't do this; this was stupid and his fingers where cold.

Using his warm hand he pulled the tourniquet of and let it fall to the ground. It landed not far from the needle. A destructive couple. A couple that made you its slave while promising freedom. Spencer looked down at them for many moments, just standing above them.

He walked out of the bathroom in a daze. Surprised at himself. He'd done Dilaudid before, it was always so easy to block out everyone, but that was just something else that Derek broke. It wasn't easy to ignore the face that he saw.

Spencer found comfort in his bed, and peace in his dreams. They were bittersweet replays of memories he just couldn't forget.

Spencer knew he wasn't okay. Not just mentally but physically. He had been asleep for seventeen hours straight but his body still felt tired. He didn't complain as he walked in, he didn't think he would have enough energy to move his lips. Once he found a chair he looked around. The team was watching him like a new found species. As though he would help them learn about themselves.

He was tired as he sat, and tired as he stood, every movement he made felt as though a bone was breaking. The day had been relatively quite. It was unusual. Spencer didn't mind though, he was sure he would have passed out had they actually had to do something.

As Spencer lay in bed that night, he watched the cars making a beautiful pattern on the balloon he still had tied to his bed post. It was low, pretty much just sitting on the bed now, but it still had its sentiment.

He hoped tomorrow would be better. He hoped he would have the energy to talk to one of the people he knew loved him. Spencer just didn't see how. He didn't see how he would ever be able to talk to someone again.


End file.
